Candid Reality

Hold the camera nice and high, tilt your head to the side, lips out, cheeks in and SNAP!     Snap,snap,snap,snap,snap,snap…got it! The perfect selfie. God I look good… and post.

like,like,like,love,love,like,love,like,like,love,love,love. (Inner self is beaming)

Anyone else out there who can relate to the warm and fuzzy feeling as you watch your perfectly angled selfie love take off like a rocket ship? It feels so nice to be loved, to get compliments about our skin and hair and make up and the outfit.

I’m not a big selfie taker, to be honest. But I was at a hens party a few weeks ago and thought I would send a pic to my fiancé of me all done up! I followed the above script, and had a gooder to send to him quite quickly. His response was the warm fuzzies kind and exactly what I was hoping for.

The next day in a private Facebook group, photos of the night and day were shared. You know, the candid ones,where we look ‘natural’

As I scrolled through them, I cringed. My double chins, my big arms, my post baby belly. It was all there in still form. Is that what I really look like? Hmmm, seems a bit different than the photo I sent to my fiancé?!

Social media doesn’t help, either. My Instagram is filled with selfies…filtered, altered, posed, selfies. I would love to make a notion to post the first picture I take, but I’m not sure many would actually get posted!

A few posts ago I wrote about loving my body and it was very evident by my reaction, that I’m not there yet. Not.even.close. This is a hard one for me. I’m going to need more time.

Im allowed more time, so I think I will take it.

 

 

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Pride

Last week I notified my fiance that I have started writing a blog. Until that point, there was only one other person who knew about my blog. At this point I am writing for me, so I havent made a big fuss about it on social media.There might be a point when that changes, but for now im not fussed if im the only one who reads it.

I didn’t give him the link to it but did read him one of the posts. He then asked me one simple question “are you proud of your body?

My initial reply was “not really”

For him, this couldn’t be further from the truth. To this day he is amazed at how I grew and birthed a (healthy,happy) child. He often says he still can’t believe it. He said he’s proud of my body for creating our daughter and that the end result is worth it.

Maybe easier for him to say cause it’s not his body, but I know he meant what he said.

This morning I came across this quote and it sparked some thoughts in my head.

“For the stretch marks you wish you didnt have, there is a woman wishing she had one

We weren’t trying to have a baby, it just happened and we felt so blessed that we didn’t spend months trying or spend our pay checks on infertility testing.

We are lucky.

Not everyone who wishes to become a mother or father is so lucky, I must remember this when I look in the mirror.

So this morning, I have decided to be proud of my body for what it accomplished. I was given a gift not everyone will receive.

I do,however, still owe it to my health to persevere in this journey. To continue to make smart choices and be active.

I grew her with the best intentions and now I need to model good health to her as she grows up!

I am proud of my body, it made an amazing gift!

 

The sleep cycle

I am quite proud of myself for my strength in limiting my sugar the past two weeks! I grew up on maple syrup, Im a ‘sugar Cub’, according to my fiancé!

The difficult part has been exercising. You see… I LOVE my sleep. At one point during a womanly check up, my nurse practitioner said to me “you know, it’s normal for adults to be getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, not 10”.

This was a bit of a worry for me coming into motherhood, how the hell am I going to cope with such little sleep?! Maybe I should look into a nanny? Maybe I will have a baby who sleeps through the night from a young age?

My Bub is almost 7 months and although she is a good sleeper, she still gets up once (nothing to carry on about, I know!). I love the stage she’s at now but just wish I could have a couple of full night sleep!

I was never one to get up and work out in the morning, NEVER. I am an afternoon worker outer or evening if I have to. Somewhere along the way someone told me it’s better to work out later in the day because everything is “open” or “awake” (I can’t remember exactly) , but it was welcomed news! Although, it didn’t matter, I wasn’t going to change!

Exercising whilst in the company of my child doesn’t excite me. I like running…alone. It clears my mind and it does wonders for my body. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the time or energy. Mostly energy.

Mornings are unpredictable and by the time I have another set of hands to help in the evening, I’m knackered. A tricky cycle. I probably would have more energy if I exercised but can’t get my butt out the door because I’m too tired.

Writing it down helps, it makes my excuse real.

With any luck, I will make it out the door once this week. Maybe that will be my goal, baby steps!

Guilt

Since giving birth to my daughter in May, I have been a frequent visitor to aisle six….the naughty aisle.

I’ll have that, and that, and that and so on! In the cart the treats went. I couldn’t help myself and would eat it all in a short time span. There was limited thoughts of saving some for tomorrow…. my logic was ‘it’s the same amount of calories, doesn’t matter If I eat it all now or save some for five hours from now’.

The problem??

I’d get more the next time I went.

The thought of a fruit and nut cadbury chocolate bar makes my mouth water, but I haven’t had one since I started this blog 🙂

I would eat my treats and deliciousness with pure joy.  My joy-o-metre was at an all time high whilst eating my treats. No guilt in sight. I am breastfeeding, I need it!

The other day at work, however, there was a box of chocolates in the lunch room. I helped myself…. a couple times…. they were just little!

The difference this time was I felt SO much guilt. Before. During AND After. It caught me by surprise but I knew it was a good thing. My bid to eat less treats was working. My conscience knew that it was not a weekend and I agreed to be good during the week as I ease into this.

Im back at work tomorrow, let’s hope my conscience slaps me on the wrist before I reach for the chocolate!

Sensible panties

I am not oblivious to the fact that this a long journey. I am not interested in a quick fix, I am ready to sweat for it, slowly.

When I got dressed this morning , I put on my sensible panties, as my fiancé calls them. No lace, no butt wedgie, just full back, comfy cotton briefs. I looked in the mirror and thought… hmmm, that looks better.

That’s when it hit me.

My usual style might need a substitute while I get things back on track. I love my little lace thong nothings. Or I used to. For now, however, they aren’t helping my cause. My full back briefs are not only comfortable, they are flattering. They made me feel good, and that’s important. This doesn’t mean I think they can hide the work that needs to be done, but they give me my confidence back while I work away at it.

This change in my norm will also apply to my summer dresses I would often wear. They are making me feel bad, but not in a good way. So, I’ve started wearing more shorts and shirts. This suits my body type at the moment and I’m okay with that.

The dresses aren’t going anywhere, nor are my itty bitties, I will wear them again soon. For now though, it’s time to be sensible.

 

Mirror mirror on the wall

The beginning is a long way back, so let’s try from May 2015.

I was never skinny, nor obese. I’ve just always been a solid girl. Or that’s how I saw myself. But in May I decided I really wanted to get in shape and slim down. I started personal training and was seeing results. I was training with a friend and a few moms who were trying to get their pre-baby bodies back. They weren’t skinny either, but their mental strength was admirable. I often told them they had super mom strength.

My renewed confidence led to less clothing, which to our surprise, led to me falling prgnant in August. I knew working out was a bad idea 😉

I felt terrible and stopped working out. By the time I felt half decent I was too far gone to get back into such rigorous training.

Fast forward to January, my fiancé and I moved houses, yes while 6-7 months pregnant I moved, terrible idea! We loved our new place and settled in quickly.

The new place is great, but it lacked one important item…. a full length mirror. Our old place was filled with closets with mirrored doors, you couldn’t avoid looking at yourself if you tried. I didn’t think of it at the time, but that was a good thing.

From February till November I saw myself in full length maybe a half dozen times. This was not good. You see, it’s important to be confronted with poor health, even if it’s yucky. I didn’t have a realty check for the last three months of my pregnancy or the first 6 months post baby.

I kept saying to my fiancé that I wanted to get one but never didn’t anything about it, until last week. I have had a mirror for one week and it’s already working.  I have eaten A LOT of chocolate and lollies since the arrival of my Bub. More than I ate during  my pregnancy ten fold. I can’t go to the store without getting a treat. I’m blaming breastfeeding, but I don’t know if I can get away with that in two years time!

I looked in the mirror today before my shower and thought … ugh what have I done, but don’t worry, it’s a good sort of dissatisfaction. It’s not about my weight, it’s about my health. I don’t look healthy, nor do I feel it.

Its hard to stand there and really look at yourself stark naked with a tummy full of fading stretch marks and loose skin, but it’s important. It’s part of the process, and I embrace it. I’m mad a myself for not buying a mirror earlier.

Go do it! Stand there, in different angles and poses, and ask yourself if you look healthy. Not fat, healthy.